Ultra-Condensed Historical Event 1 - The American Revolution

My good friend Anna keeps a website called, Ultra-Condensed Movie Reviews in which she (and guests) ultra-condense movies. I tried my hand at condensing a documentary I had just seen - LIBERTY! The American Revolution. It didn't really work tho as it was more of an Ultra-Condensed Historical Event. We still liked it - it just didn't fit in on that site so I'm putting it here. Enjoy.

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[It is 18^th Century NORTH AMERICA]
England: I know, let’s take advantage of our colonists in America. Let’s tax them without their approval. Yay!
America, for the most part: Fuck you!
England: Don’t make me take my earrings out!
America, for the most part: Fuck you!
John Adams: We should declare independence!
Continental Congress: Sit down, John!
John Adams: But!
Congress: Ok, fine. TJ, you write it.
Thomas Jefferson: But, I don’t…ok…umm…When in the Course of human Events it becomes necessary for one People to…*
England: Oh heeellll nah!
Congress: Hey, Washington…although you kinda sucked during the French and Indian War, please take this rag-tag group of men that basically come from 13 different countries and form one army. Oh, and we don’t have the power to give you any money. Also, you’re fighting for an idea. Make sure these uneducated, untrained soldiers know that.
Washington: Yay, but…fuck!
[ENGLAND INVADES]
People of Concord: We see you.
British Soldiers: We see you too.
A gun: BANG
The World: Did you hear that?
[ENGLAND wins a lot of BATTLES. Benjamin Franklin goes to FRANCE]
Benjamin Franklin: I have a wit and I wish to meet with you, Louis XVI.
Louis XVI: I cannot – not until these upstarts prove their metal.
France: You’re the bee’s knees Benjamin Franklin – we love America - hurrah!
Thomas Paine: These are the times that try men’s souls.*
America, for the most part: Whoa, we believe in this. This man has spoken truth, let us rally round Washington and help him to defeat England, our mother country.
[Washington and his TROOPS cross the DELAWARE RIVER to mount a surprise ATTACK on a group of HESSIAN SOLDIERS – who DIE]
America, for the most part: Hurrah!
Louis XVI: Ok, Franklin.
Abigail Adams: Don’t forget about the ladies, John. And, oh yeah, pins.
A Soldier: I am a soldier. Sleeping on the wet forest floor sucks.
England: Let’s go after the south. We’ll get ‘em.
America, for the most part: Nope, suckers, the south cares too, this time. How bout you go to Yorktown.
England: K.
America, for the most part & France: [in UNISON]: SURPRISE!
England: Shit.
America, for the most part: Hurrah!
George Washington: Congress, tho you are still an illegitimate body, I hereby forfeit my sword to you in an act of extreme humility that shall shock the world. I am also forthwith cementing my legendary status as a man of truly heroic stature.
America, for the most part: Wait, now the war is over…we've been through a lot and, although I hate to be that girl, can I get a little relationship clarity here, I mean, what are we?
Articles of Confederation: Ummm….we’re kinda together but not really, guys.
Constitutional Convention: Oy, we need to do something, and how…
[They DELIBERATE and it is HOT.]
Constitutional Convention: By Jove – We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union…*
America, for the most part: Wo, wo, wo…hold your horses…that’s a lot of federal power…what about the rights of individuals?
Some people and James Madison: Umm…ok – here’s the bill of rights. :)
America, for the most part: Awesome, thanks, and here’s some ratification. Laters.

* = Actual line